Tuesday, July 28, 2009

World of Warcraft movie may suck less than expected

Blizzard has signed up Sam Raimi to direct a forthcoming World of Warcraft movie. This seems like a dubious venture to me, given the grave and most likely insurmountable logistical problems a movie faces when the strength of a person’s interest in its subject matter is inversely proportional to their willingness or ability to actually leave their home and participate in human society once in awhile. It’s like releasing a movie intended to appeal to Supermax inmates or people working at Antarctic research stations.

On the other hand, I’m intrigued by Blizzard’s innovative strategy of having the movie made by a director who is, you know, not horrible. Raimi is a veteran filmmaker who has demonstrated his ability in film genres as diverse as comic book adaptations, horror, and stories about people summoning demons from Hell in disputes over real estate, so maybe he’ll make something of it.

(Source: Joystiq)

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Friday, July 24, 2009

Dante Alighieri now spinning in grave at slightly slower rate

Electronic Arts has stated that their forthcoming game Dante’s Inferno, a title that innovatively combines the bloody action/adventure of God of War with a savage Muay Thai flying knee to the groin of the world’s greatest work of medieval Italian vernacular literature, has no planned PC release.

Happily, PC-owning fans of games with vague tie-ins to classic epic poems will be pleased to learn that EA’s forthcoming adaptation of Milton’s Paradise Lost is still on schedule for a PC release sometime next year. It’s just like the original poem, except that instead of telling the story of the Fall of Man and Satan’s rebellion against God at the dawn of time, it’s set in a dystopian 22nd-century New York and Satan is a world-weary telepathic private investigator fighting to save humanity from a secret invasion of time-traveling sentient horseshoe crabs from an alternate universe who are waging war across time for control of Earth’s evolutionary history.

You know, I initially started writing that as mockery, but if someone actually made a game based on that premise I’d probably buy it.

(Source: Joystiq)

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Monday, July 20, 2009

Dragon Quest IX Release Day Massacre

Square Enix’s Dragon Quest IX came out in Japan on July 11th and sold 2.3 million copies in its first week, dismembering its competition like so many hapless extras in a Lone Wolf and Cub movie. Dragon Quest sales were a staggering 23 times higher than the second-highest selling game of the week, Wii Sports Resort, making this the most appallingly one-sided contest Japan has seen since Toho Pictures’ poorly-received 1996 release Girl Scouts of Japan Troop 126 vs. Mechagodzilla.

Source: Kotaku

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Friday, July 17, 2009

The accoutrements of privilege

The North American branch of Club Nintendo, which gives members points that can be redeemed for prizes when they buy Nintendo products, is giving new “Elite Status” rewards to people with Gold or Platinum memberships. Apparently, they’re sort of the American Express Centurion Card of video game customer loyalty programs, but without that annoying “wealth and high social status” crap mixed in. I'm not sure how many mini-game collections you have to shell out for to reach these Olympian heights, but Platinum members get a rather snazzy Mario hat.

It says “One Size Fits Most,” which means I’m screwed because I inherited my father’s monstrous size 8 skull along with his brown hair, dour Northern European stoicism, and deep-rooted inability to ever truly trust another human being. For those of you who aren’t cursed with a grotesquely bulbous head, a word of warning: Use extreme caution wearing a hat like this if you live on the western coast of the United States. It is well-known in the law enforcement community that the Bloods have used red Mario hats, turned to the left side, as a symbol of gang affiliation since the early 90s. If you don’t know what you’re doing, one moment you’ll be cheerfully walking the streets of sunny Los Angeles, and the next you’ll have unwittingly crossed into Crip territory and met your death in a hail of 9mm hollow points and cheap Legend of Zelda replica swords.

(Source: Kotaku)

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Friday, July 10, 2009

It begins!

My name is John Markley. Last year, I started writing a humor/news column for Lecester Reed’s currently (and I hope temporarily) inactive site, the Diverse Nerd Association. The format was elegantly simple- mention video game-related news, make ostensibly humorous and frequently rather mean-spirited remarks about video game news, repeat.

I’ve missed having that outlet, and my attempts to find alternate targets for my bitterness, sarcasm, and lifetime of barely-repressed hatred have resulted in a number of interpersonal problems, misunderstandings, and a narrowly averted gangland-style execution, so I’ve started this blog to do some more writing about games in that same vein, posting on gaming news as it comes up. I may also have some more serious things to say on games from time to time, and perhaps a few posts on my other interests.

My first experiences with video games were on my cousin’s Atari 2600. I got the NES a few years later, and have been a devoted gamer ever since. At the moment, my systems of choice are the Playstation 2, Playstation 3, and PC. My favorite types of games are RPGs, strategy games like Europa Universalis or Master of Orion, and space flight simulators, though I play other stuff too. I don’t have an Xbox 360 and have never even played the Wii. However, I believe those who write about video games should aspire to the same standards of ethics and quality as mainstream journalism, and so I am quite comfortable making authoritative-sounding statements on subjects I know absolutely nothing about.

Stay with us at Pointless Side Quest, where we’ll be bringing you:

The hottest gaming news, a mere 3-5 business days after it appears on Kotaku!

Ridiculously self-indulgent references to ancient history, personal stories, and pulp science fiction that amuse no one but me!

The scintillating literary stylings of a man whose writing experience comes primarily from newspaper articles about zoning board meetings!

The diverse array of embarrassing typographical errors and bizarre malapropisms that only someone using cheap voice recognition software in a noisy room can provide!

And joke after childishly filthy and/or impenetrably obscure joke!

So, stick around.

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