Because it's been too long since Hitler appeared in a 3DS game: New Releases for the Week of June 9th, 2013

The Last of Us

(PlayStation 3) Third -person action game, set in a post-apocalyptic world ravaged by a plague that turns people into- as is now apparently required by law for games released in the United States- zombies, or some close analogue of them.  The zombies don't really seem to be center stage this time, though, with human antagonists figuring quite prominently

It's from Uncharted developers Naughty Dog, and a lot of the gameplay I've seen- with its combination of cover-based shooting and melee fighting- actually seems reminiscent of that franchise, except that now it's starring the Dead to Rights: Retribution version of Jack Slate in his later years, Sully is a teenage girl, and the plot and characterization don't politely pretend not to notice that the gameplay involves killing large numbers of human beings at ranges short enough to see the terror in their eyes as they die. It looks interesting.

Bugs vs. Tanks! 

(Nintendo 3DS eShop) In the tradition of Plants vs. Zombies, Marvel vs. Capcom, and Konami's critically panned 2011 God of War-inspired beat'em up Roe Vs. Wade, the endless procession of X vs. Y games continues with it's most cruelly unfair match-up yet, Bugs vs. Tanks. The game is most noteworthy for involving Keiji Inafune, who was the character designer and artist for the original Mega Man- the classic character as he appeared in the games, not the obscene, tortured mockery of the human form from the American box art- and one of the driving forces behind the Mega Man series, as well as the producer of the Dead Rising series and some of the Onimusha games.

The story involves a group of World War II-era German panzers that have been shrunk down to a tiny fraction of their normal size , which does even the odds somewhat. How or why this has happened is unclear, though I respect any game that goes with a premise that seems to have been devised by someone who played Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3 and said, "This alternate history Second World War just isn't silly enough."

Bringing grave misfortune: New releases for the week of 3-4-12 (Street Fighter X Tekken, Mass Effect 3)

Street Fighter X Tekken

(PC, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360) Crossover between the two beloved fighting game series. This game uses primarily Street Fighter-inspired gameplay mechanics- 2D, fast, lots of projectiles and over-the-top moves, everyone yelling at the top of their lungs at all times, etc.-while Namco will be putting out its own game, Tekken X Street Fighter, with more Tekken-like gameplay later this year. I've been informed by competent authority that the official pronunciation of the title is “Street Fighter Cross Tekken,” which does appalling violence to English orthographic conventions but at least makes more thematic sense than my previous guesses that it was either “Street Fighter Ex Tekken” or “Street Fighter Times Tekken.” It also saves me from having to do any horrible math jokes about how Tekken X Street Fighter and Street Fighter X Tekken are actually exactly the same game when Namco's game comes out, which is a relief.

In keeping with the tradition that fighting games are the one place where the otherwise universal requirement that PlayStation 3 owners be given the shitty end of any stick is reversed, there are a number of characters exclusive to the PlayStation 3 version. Some of them are pretty cool, like Cole McGrath from Infamous.


There's also Mega Man, triumphantly returning to fighting games after being excluded from Marvel vs. Capcom 3 to make sure that there was space for other Mega Man characters like Zero and the all-important Tron Bonne. Except this version is inspired by the Mega Man on the original American box for the first game, legendary not only for looking nothing like the character in the game, but for being the ugliest son of a bitch ever to appear on a videogame box.


The fan response to this seems split between intense amusement at the sheer goofiness of it and intense anger at what some fans feel just adds salt to the wounds of Mega Man fans after his exclusion from Marvel vs. Capcom 3 and the cancellation of Mega Man Legends 3. Count me among the former group; if you can't screw around a little in a crossover between Street Fighter and a franchise where one of the fighters is a freaking bear, where can you? I I just can't get mad at a company that is apparently now being run by Calypso from Twisted Metal or some evil wish-granting money's paw.

Honestly, though, Street Fighter X Tekken's Mega Man doesn't really do the almost militant unattractiveness of the original model justice. The fat, somewhat slovenly-looking guy called “Mega Man” in the game is still practically Fabio, Brad Pitt, and Cary Grant combined compared to the hideous wretch from the original Mega Man box art. The new guy seems a lot more jovial and fun, too, whereas the original has a look on his face that seems to cry out, "WHY WILL DR. LIGHT NOT ALLOW ME TO SELF-TERMINATE? WHY?"

And really, can you blame him?

I Am Alive

(PlayStation Network, Xbox Live Arcade) Wait, when did this become a thing that actually exists? This is a game I remember hearing about being in development years ago, and getting delayed, then it just seemed to drop off the radar screen into what I assumed was oblivion. Hearing that it was actually out was really weird, like walking into the local GameStop and being told that they just got a new shipment of StarCraft: Ghost in stock.

Mass Effect 3

(PC, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360) The conclusion of the science fiction RPG trilogy. I'm avoiding spoilers, so I just hope that the massive reaper attack on Earth portrayed in the trailer and the demo is legit and not another cruel Halo 2 trailer-style tease, where we're promised a globe-shattering apocalypse that leaves whole continents in flames and turns the world's greatest cities into charnel houses and end up getting a foppish alien clergyman leading a handful of ships on a minor vandalism spree instead. If you show me the entire state of South Carolina being engulfed in a colossal firestorm visible from space ninety seconds into the cinematic trailer, it had damn well better be a lifeless hellscape of drifting ashes, unburied corpses, and radioactive glass if I end up there during the actual game.

The Definitive, Absolutely 100% Petty Complaining and Pointless Digression-Free Guide to Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3

With the recent release of Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3, the Marvel vs. Capcom roster is now bigger than ever before. (Provided one defines “ever” to exclude Marvel Vs Capcom 2.) With 48 characters to choose from and no ability to select multiple iterations of the same character so that you can just pick three Sentinels and crush everybody like in Marvel vs. Capcom 2, selecting your team of three can be a daunting task. Fortunately, my friend and guest co-author Kevin Folliard- screenwriter of the Press Start Adventures online animated series and the two Press Start live-action films from Illinois-based independent film company Dark Maze Studios and an innovator in the field of video game parodies that have actual jokes instead of nostalgic references standing in for jokes- and I are here to provide guidance with this piercingly insightful look at some of the characters, both new and old, who will be doing battle in Ultimate Marvel v. Capcom 3: The Fate of Two Worlds. So, without further delay, let us begin, starting with perhaps the only character renowned and fearsome enough to march in the vanguard of so mighty a host:

Tron Bonne


John: A returning character from Marvel vs. Capcom 2, Tron Bonne appeared in the Mega Man Legends games and her own spin-off, The Misadventures of Tron Bonne. Tron Bonne was one of four Mega Man characters to appear in MvC 2, along with Servbot, Roll, and Mega Man himself. In Marvel vs. Capcom 3, the developers had a great idea- make Mega Man's red-armored, sword-wielding, and still-reasonably-masculine-despite-that huge-blond-ponytail comrade-in-arms Zero playable. Alas, this time they could only dedicate two playable character slots to characters from the Mega Man universe.

So, they did the obvious thing: Ditched the central character of the franchise and one of the most iconic characters in the history of video games so that they'd have space to keep one of the secondary antagonists from a short-lived Mega Man spin-off series that last had a game released over a decade ago. Which makes sense, because... because... Kevin, help me out here.

Kevin: I think that.... Well it makes sense due to her…. Mega Man has always been loathed and….. I’m afraid I’m of no help to you. Not only is Tron’s inclusion over Mega Mann a bonafide headscratcher, it has also opened a Pandora’s Box of outrage from scores of pissy Mega Man fanboys throughout the internet. The level of self-importance and immaturity from the E-outcry has been growing exponentially since the Blue Bomber was snubbed yet again in Ultimate MvC 3, and a growing cesspool of childish pouting and image spam has begun to suck out what little shreds of dignity might have existed in the fan community. For God's sake, Capcom, please give us Mega Man. It’s not about his iconic status at this point. We need to quell this embittered mass of negative emotion before it becomes sentient.

Wesker

Kevin: Albert Wesker, the main antagonist of the Resident Evil series, has finally made it into the Marvel vs. Capcom universe. But like some other characters, he has something of a complex. Wesker seems concerned with maintaining an image of intimidation. With every teleport and counter he implores: “Do I frighten you?! Do I frighten you?! Do I frighten you?! Do I frighten you?! Do I—Do I—Do I frighten you?”

“Yes, Mr. Wesker,” I want to reply, “you frighten me very much. It’s going to be okay.” My current theory is that the machines of Wesker's Tricell Genetics Laboratory are somehow fueled by fear, like the society from the movie Monsters Inc.

John: Insert lazy political joke about the politician, political party, or socioeconomic system of your choice here.

Kevin: In any case, however, at this point the motivation behind his obsession with frightening his opponents remains unclear.

John:Well, I'm not ashamed to admit he frightens ME. The combined effect of Wesker's all-black clothing, coldly disdainful expression, and pale ultra-Nordic blondness always makes him look like he ought to be in some sort of creepy German electronic band that Dieter from Mike Myers' old “Sprockets” sketches would listen to. I half-expected his victory quote to be, “Ve believe in nothing, Redfield! NOTHING!”


Phoenix Wright

Kevin: The heroic Capcom Lawyer Phoenix Wright is perhaps the most controversial addition to Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3. It seemed like half the fans were psyched to see what form his play style will take, while others feel slighted that a legal professional has been invited to go toe to toe with some of the most powerful fighters in fiction. I say, lighten up! Marvel characters have been getting beaten up by lawyers for decades. There’s She Hulk, there’s Daredevil. There’s that little-known story in which the Carnage Symbiote got on Johnnie Cochran. And who can forget when Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor got her hands on the Ultimate Nullifier?

John: I was never a big fan of that issue, to be honest. Sandra Day O'Connor was so overexposed in the early 90- she had her own series, she was a member of the Avengers, she was in what seemed like half of the X-books, she kept popping up in The Punisher for reasons that never really made sense, the whole Sandra Day O'Connor/2000 AD/Stormwatch crossover... Just got tired of it after a while.

Phoenix Wright makes his closing argument before the United States Second Circuit Court of Appeals during the historic case of Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms v. von Doom.

Kevin: Honestly, they can make Phoenix as goofy as they want for all I care. This is a game that asks questions like “Who would win in a fight: Tron Bonne or Dormammu?” At this point, adding a clumsy lawyer to the mix can only make it more serious.

John: I mostly just enjoy the fact that there's a character in the game with a “projectile “attack- for lack of a better term- that consists of some girl running in from offscreen while flailing her arms like a 5-year old. I also like the move where she rushes out in front of you to create a defensive energy barrier; “hero who uses a woman as a human shield” had always been an underutilized design niche until now.

Akuma

Kevin: You can’t have a Capcom Fighting game without Akuma! Why… why can’t we please have ONE god- forsaken game without him?

Akuma was introduced in Super Street Fighter II Turbo as an overpowered hidden fighter who throws fireballs down from the air, growls at everyone, and performs the highly questionable “Raging Demon Attack” which is censored for some reason by those little exploding flicks that happen when Street Fighter characters punch one another. Since then, he has continued to be both “hidden” and overpowered in nearly every appearance he makes. For almost two decades, he has caused the expression “Here Comes a New Challenger” to grow and swell exponentially in its irony.
In MvC 3, they’ve tweaked him quite a bit to distinguish him from the already-included Ryu. Akuma now has a fireball, a hurricane kick, and a shoryuken uppercut. Which makes him a worthwhile inclusion because....

Son of a bitch!

John: Agreed, Akuma was a very poor choice for inclusion. The Tron Bonne of contemporary East Asia, if you will.

Strider Hiryu

John: My all-time favorite 1980s action game character named after a mode of ambulation makes his return in Ultimate Edition. My favorite thing about Strider has always been his weapon. It's basically a tonfa, an old Okinawan weapon with a short handle perpendicular to a long wooden shaft- already inherently cool because the hero in Suikoden II used them- except instead of a long wooden shaft there's a giant sword blade. Because, well, why not?

More weapons need to take a cue from Strider and incorporate swords. Flail? Sword on a chain. Handgun? Swordgun, even though I have no idea how the hell that would even work, or whether it would be a sword that can fire bullets or a gun that fires swords, or what. Nerve gas? Cloud of microscopic swords that enter the bloodstream and dismember the enzymes in people's neurons on the molecular level. Plasma cannon? Fires blasts of highly energized copper ions produced from vaporized bronze swords. And so forth.

Kevin: You're forgetting Strider's best weapons of all: his army of robotic birds and sabretoothed tigers! What is not to like about this guy?

John: Those robotic birds need to be replaced with motorized winged swords immediately. The sabretoothed tiger is fine as-is.

That's all for now. Join us next week- that's right, you're not getting off that easy- as we delve deeper into Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3: The Fate of Two Worlds. Will Mike Hagar's ability to hit people over the head with a pipe be enough to fell the all-powerful Galactus, devourer of worlds? Will I resist the temptation to go for the obvious joke about Dr. Doom's “hidden missile” attack? Will Kevin's loathing of Akuma fill him with so much rage that he succumbs to the dark power of the Satsui no Hado and becomes the very thing he hates most? Will either of us ever say anything with any sort of actual gameplay relevance? Join us next week to find out!

Mega Man finally speaks out about his troubled career: “Tron Bonne? Seriously?”

(Note: The original version of this article appeared at Kuribo's Shoes, the wordl's greatest gaming-related fake news site, so if you like it be sure to check them out. ) 

In the aftermath of Capcom’s cancellation of  the long-awaited third game in the Mega Man Legends series, the reclusive star of the long-running franchise has finally emerged to give his side of the story.

“I knew they were getting ready to fuck me,” Mega Man said in an interview conducted at his home in Santa Clarita, California. “I knew after Marvel vs. Capcom 3. I mean, they decided to have two playable characters from my games in it. They included Zero for the first time. And hey, he deserves it. He’s a good kid. And then for the second slot, they decided to use Tron Bonne? Seriously?

“I’m the most iconic character in the company’s history. They’ve got Viewtiful Joe in the game. They’ve got three Resident Evil characters in there. They’ve got Akuma, because Lord knows Capcom won’t be satisfied unless they've shoehorned that glorified palette-swap into every fighting game they ever make. They’ve got some one-armed has-been, they’ve got a Japanese dog that doesn’t even talk, they’ve got Zero and  freakin’ Tron Bonne, and I hear that for the Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom expansion they apparently have some damn lawyer fighting in it. How the hell did that happen? Did he win a contest, or something? Was Capcom running some sort of  ‘Send in five hundred cereal box tops for a chance to appear in Marvel vs. Capcom 3′ promotional bullshit that I never heard about?”

Inside sources at Capcom say the decision was motivated by Mega Man’s increasingly erratic and unprofessional behavior, which had started making him a liability to the developer. Mega Man has been involved in several high-profile conflicts with other characters in the Mega Man series over the years. Well-known examples including his tumultuous marriage, divorce, remarriage, and second divorce with co-star Roll, an acrimonious offscreen relationship with Dr. Light that reportedly culminated in a drunken, cocaine-fueled fistfight in Light’s dressing room on the set of Mega Man 10, and a long-running media feud with Proto Man for allegations made against Mega Man in Proto Man’s controversial tell-all book Sex, Drugs, and Steel: A Shocking Look Behind the Scenes of Capcom’s Most Beloved Series.

In 2009, Capcom reached an out-of-court settlement for an undisclosed sum after a sexual harassment lawsuit was filed by Splash Woman, the Mega Man series’ first- and to date, only- female Robot Master, due to what Splash Woman’s attorneys described as Mega Man’s “lewd, offensive, and unprofessional conduct” on the set of Mega Man 9.

The last straw was apparently during the production of Mega Man Legends 3: Prototype Version, a prologue for Mega Man Legends three proper. Planned for a release on the 3DS eShop as a teaser for the main game, MML3: Prototype Version suffered repeated production delays while Mega Man attended a series of court-ordered rehabilitation sessions after being arrested for driving while intoxicated and misdemeanor narcotics possession in April 2011, which violated the terms of his probation for several similar previous offenses during the previous year. This ultimately led to Capcom’s decision to pull the plug on the beleaguered project.

Mega Man says he is considering a number of offers from other companies, which are rumored to include roles such as ED-209 in the video game adaptation of a possible reboot of the Robocop franchise, one of the Reapers in Mass Effect 3, and the title role in future Bomberman games. He is also in negotiations to star in a planned remake of 1994 fighting game Rise of the Robots, tentatively entitled  Rise of the Robots: Not the Most Godawful Game Ever Crapped Out Edition.

Though he insists that he has already put his acrimonious split with Capcom behind him, it’s clear that some resentment still lingers. “The first time I even heard there was going to be a Marvel vs. Capcom 3 was when Zero called to give me the news that he was in it,” he said. “They never even asked me if I wanted to be involved! You’d think they’d want Marvel vs. Capcom 3 to include the man who made Capcom what it is, but apparently they couldn’t be bothered with me because they had to make sure that there was enough space for TRON FUCKING BONNE to be included.”